every month i want to make a stream of consciousness type of post. i do this in a way thats publicly accessible mainly because it holds me accountable even if no one cares to read it. i have difficulty grasping how i feel unless i am experiencing an extreme emotion so hopefully this helps me with introspection and all. the rules are i have a 20 minute timer and i just write whatever until the time is up and post as is… no proofreading or going back and removing anything… it don’t get much more vulnerable than that i dont think. here goes nothign!!!!!!
these days i feel really lonely. i find it hard to know when my solitude is becoming too much until im really in the depths of it. unlike previous times, i feel lonely in a kind of romantic and sexy way. it is one thing to have esoteric taste… it’s another to BE the esoteric thing. i have many isolated friendships with many different types of people. i have many inadvertent secrets and i quite like this. i find in many of my friendships im either the one talking about myself or the other person is the one talking about themselves. i like the latter because it is sexy to be vulnerable. i’ve always struggled with vulnerability. my whole life. which is why i like this. i like this a lot because how am i supposed to relate to anyone if i don’t understand myself and don’t share anything about myself. but harmony u just said that u talk to other people about urself. yea ok i kinda lied. its never really truly about myself. its always inconsequential meandering about music and DJing and whatever else. nothing too deep. nothing too intimidating. i like facts. im trying to conjure up things to say but i’m having a blockage. i didn’t think to write about having a blockage cos thats sort of lame for a stream of consciousness type of thing. but i still thing its useful to write that down. write that down! write that down! i look so glamourousuful and whatever but half of my week is being everything and the other half of my week is being nothing. sometimes i do things to feel alive and it feels so good man like i feel like a human being but then a few days passes by and i feel a bit sad actually. but this is too mopey. i have so much privilege and abundance which is awesome and i am blessed but sometimes it is paradoxically a burden because like do i really deserve that shit lol i just play music and whatever. oh here comes the mopester once more!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have been listening to so much amapiano these days and i can’t stop listening to it. i was telling corey about this today but there’s a very jazzy quality about amapiano i really like. the lack of resolve feels very familiar to me and it speaks to me. melodically many amapiano tracks never resolve back to the root note which feels very forward. who says a bar needs to have finality to it. techno feels like a rug with the same pattern looping over and over again. each bar is a section finished until u finish the entire rug. amapiano is not like this. amapiano doesn’t follow a pinterest rug pattern there’s no need for it to finish it never answers itself. it’s cool and i dig it. im not sure why art always feels the need to resolve itself. this is my relationships with other people too. im a fan of tension. not tension in a confrontational sense of like omgg grrr i hate u and there’s consequential tension but tension in that why do i have to answer ur every question likei kinda like that i don’t know everything about you. i used to have an obsession with causation like why are you this way but this is a very clinical approach to life and people and the fact we can even talk at all is divine in of itself so not everything has to be so clinical. so i like that. i like that i don’t know how u grew up. also its like even if i know how u grew up that seldom ever answers anything anyway so i’ll opt for the mystery. i really should be making music instead of doing this stuff. why is it that when someone doesn’t give me the same energy back i really desire that energy but when they do it’s the last thing i want? i hate oscillating but it’s all that i know how to do i think. im easily bored. sometimes i want to be married by next year and sometimes the thought makes me nauseous. i remember when i was pinkpilled and i was miserable. there’s nothing more objectifying than you yourself putting a price on yourself, even if the price is immeasurable. you’re succumbing and you’ve accepted defeat. im sure elon musk loves the fact i’m not only a product but than i’m aware of the fact that i am a product. there’s no more convincing to be done. late stage capitalism isn’t buying products but it is being the product and thats scarier to me. where is everyone’s labubus? the most colourful landfill in history.
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